Anonymous said...
I have been happily married to a wonderful man for several years now. Lately, I find myself attracted to a man I work with and, today, I asked him out to lunch. In the eyes of God, am I being unfaithful to my husband by going to lunch with this man that I am attracted to?
12:28 PM, April 02, 2007
posted by Dr James D Harless @ 12:55 PM
6 Comments:
You may not like the way that I answer this question ... but I feel I need to be as bold as possible before you make a huge mistake!
If you have not yet had that lunch ... cancel it! You are feeding a desire that will most certainly lead to unfaithfulness ... if you have not already gone there! You need to do whatever it takes to avoid this man!
12:53 PM, April 02, 2007
I have had lunch with him twice and my husband knows about it. This man is also married and we find ourselves talking about spouses, kids, grandkids, etc. more than anything else. Not every shared meal leads to adultery. I have found a wonderful new friend and I feel no guilt about this!
Here is what you said in the original question ... "I find myself attracted to a man I work with and, today, I asked him out to lunch." You are correct ... not every lunch leads to adultery ... BUT ... when you play with fire ... you get burnt ... and so do your kids, husband, etc. It worries me that you have no guilt about this at this point. You obviously did in your first inquiry! Once the guilt is gone ... the door is open! You need to stay away from being alone with him!
To anonymous: It's good that your husband knows about this man. To shine a light on dark places so that no sin can grow there is a good preventive measure. In fact, you could invite your husband on any further lunches you have with this man. After all, if there's nothing inappropriate going on in your mind, what's the harm in your husband being there, right?
But I will point out two facts: (1) the very first thing you told us about this man (after a preemptive statement of "I'm happily married") was that you were attracted to him; and (2) you asked if you were being unfaithful to your husband in God's eyes. The first fact indicates that your initial interest in this man was not entirely platonic, and that makes it likely that the answer to your question is "Yes."
Whether you feel any guilt isn't the only aspect to consider; we human beings are wonderful self-deceivers, capable of talking rings around our own consciences. I'm not saying that's what you're doing, but it's certainly a possibility you should consider.
Ask yourself what's more important: to express your right to have lunch with whom you choose, or to protect your marriage relationship and the vow you took before God. Wouldn't it be worth it to give a bit on the former for the sake of the latter?
I'm a newlywed myself, and my wife understands that I have some long-time woman friends whom I occasionally meet for lunch. Those women are now my wife's friends, too. But if I found myself attracted to a new woman at the office, I would certainly think twice before starting a series of lunch dates with her.
What you say is true: "Not every shared meal leads to adultery." But some do. And do you honestly think that the dangerous ones come with blinking neon signs?
twinkle
How brave it is of you to bring such a question to the table! For whatever reason, most of us would likely attempt to deny our attraction to one other than our spouse. You’re stepping up to give us an opportunity to be a community of love, support, and encouragement. You’re a great example of what it means to be transparent with your church family (and others who read this blog). It seems as though the responses thus far have been a true attempt at supporting you with truth and grace in your current situation.
As far as the content of your question, what I can tell you is this: research shows that most affairs start in the manner in which you describe your current relationship with the co-worker. The other ingredient usually present is a little something missing from the marriage relationship. In spite of having said that you’re “happily married” I’m hoping that you’ll pause and take a grueling inventory of your relationship with your husband and make sure that you do not fall into that category. If you do, please don’t rely on your moral compass and ethics alone to keep you out of a sinful situation. We are all vulnerable when our needs/desires are not being met. Perhaps this is what has left you open to such a conflict. “His Needs Her Needs” is an excellent book to help you nail down some specifics as far as this is concerned.
You mentioned in your second comment that your husband is aware of your lunches. Does he know of your attraction to the co-worker? If not, he doesn’t have all the information necessary to truly say that he’s okay with your lunches. Regardless of the quality of your marriage, you made a commitment to this relationship and to God. That means your honesty and integrity are also potential casualties to this situation, not just your marriage and family relationships. I say this realizing that you and/or many others reading this could be in an abusive relationship. If that’s the case, there are such serious problems in that life/marriage that feeding an attraction to a co-worker is the last thing one should be spending any energy on.
If lunches are the only “bright spot” in your work day, how about asking other co-workers out to lunch. Ask your kids to meet you for lunch. Join your grandkids at daycare, school, work or their home for lunch. Go to the salon during your lunch hour and have your hair or nails done. Go for a walk at a local park. Do some window shopping with your girlfriends. Maybe have your husband meet you for lunch. Or regain some focus on your marital relationship by surprising your husband by doing something special, like taking the second half of a day off and spending it getting ready for a night of activities you both enjoy but rarely have time for. Book a hotel for the night, or weekend, for you and your husband. Who says you have to leave town to do that? Ask your husband to buy you a new tube of lipstick. Tell him you’re asking for this gift so that you have a special shade of lipstick solely for the purpose of leaving lip prints on his lips and cheeks. That will also serve as a little reminder to refocus you on your husband. Point being, find a way to feed other, more productive, areas of your life than this attraction to your co-worker.
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